The blog of Paul Wady
|Posted by Paul Wady on March 23, 2015 at 12:20 AM||comments (0)|
I was interrupted last post and now, recovered from a relatively light cold, I'm sitting here at home. Been shopping again. I'm plumb with crumpets and need to bust my gut as usual, lose a few kg and rehearse the Edinburgh show. Actually I need to re write the script again from the start, so I've got a formal version.
Normally I blast through and try to cobble a narrative together in relation to how the audience react? Decided to have a backbone to it rather than the complicated thing I wrote months ago. An actual, streamlined series of statements. Gulp... Actually now its more of an immersive theatre experience than comedy? More serious comments. But still, the new section on AS AUTISTICS WE HAVE TO PUT UP WITH A LOAD OF **** BEING SAID should be fun? That covers barometric chambers, chelation, therapies and curing. Heheh.
I have 3 people keen to rent the flat I procured and will be off down there for the 8th, although only doing 4 days performing? I really dont take the thing seriously at all, and will be glad to buy enough flyers and posters for the period 9th to the 16th which is only 8 days of distribution. 200 a day say? why thats, erm... a lot more than 100 for sure. But I think that with an entire week before hand on hand, I should get someone in. Famously, one autism icon never even needed people present to perform? Isaac Newton that rumoured to be neurodiverse figure, once turned up to give a lecture in Cambridge Uni only to find the place empty. True to his aspie projected nature, he did the class anyway. Damn right! Same with me. THE SHOW YOU DONT NEED TO COME TO SEE...
Weather awful. Drizzly, grey, twilight stuff. There was an eclpse on Friday and I could not see it for the clouds.... We saw episode 14 of season 4 of Grimm, and made such a noise of hysteria at the end that our poor cat bolted in fear. What a plot? Brilliant. I'm very grateful I am not a writer on that show. How on earth they are going to sort things out now I dont know? We love it.
Right, off to do more with my Powerpoint presentation Guerilla Aspies. The 2nd reprint should be happening within the next few weeks, which will be double the first one. That's sold out. Oh joy...
|Posted by Paul Wady on March 4, 2015 at 1:25 PM||comments (0)|
Oh what's the term? You know, when you are responsible for producing a book label, like a record one? Anyhow, I am now the FREE AUTISTIC PRESS, since we used it as a sub imprint of Dark Windows Press. I have two Aspies interested in using the title and will be happy to work with them. Friends of mine too.
I've got another cold. This took me out of the office today and back home, making me forget my dentists appointment which is just as well. It is just a check up? I dont need anything that I know of. Yes, too poorly on the 3rd day of it and back in the house.
The run up to Edinburgh consists of getting an offer for a venue. This second attempt means very little to me at all? I would rather be at home with Elizabeth now. But I have got this flat booked and if 3 people pay £800, it only costs me £90? I make no secret of this and people are informed when first acquainted with the idea. Easy.
The show was performed last week in the Full Stop Cafe on Brick Lane. Hilariously, not using the Mac laptop I used an SD card and hoped to pause the printers automatic default of always scrolling through slides. Well the bloody thing did not stop and so everyone got an 'adhd' speed show. Which actually worked.
I'm convinced that the more I get to dialogue with the audience and make it up the better, whilst my pal Ria reckoned you needed a template script so everyone knew what they would be getting? Caroline my pal, reckoned I should stick with A3 laminated pictures and put all the focus on myself. A very good point and one which Ria disagreed with, liking all the slides....hmmm...
A lot of kind friends showed up and I valued them all attending, together with Jude holding a light for me so I could read bits of the book at the end (I i did it for her once. Teamwork is all). It's a fine old venue. I used my Dad's old screen too, the one we used to watch Charlie Chaplin films on in the 70's
Okay, more to come.
|Posted by Paul Wady on November 9, 2014 at 8:00 AM||comments (0)|
This weekend was going to be fun. On Saturday night I was meant to be co presenting my friend Jude Cowan Montague's World News Vision Oratoria (3), in St Johns church in Bethnal Green. It was a fun script and really enjoyed doing a run through with Jude a few weeks ago. The day after my wife and I were meant to be on the train to the West Country, for my aunties birthday do (in a train carriage attached to a pub).
But sadly we both have a cold. Throbbing heads. Running noses. Funny ideas.
Actually the ideas have not been that bonkers this time? I'm curiously focused for a period of illness. Usually I lose my reason a little as a precursor to the illness hitting. The night before, things slip a little. A journey across town becomes monstrous? I take the longest route I can find. I get intense negative ideas, which are not necessary. Stuff like that? However, this time it was just a light affair. A night of running nose, bunged up nostrils and off to have a good coughing fit in the living room around 5 in the morning?
My hair has a habit of standing on end in the mornings to the point that Elizabeth usually calls me Tufty, which is appropriate. Her hair is always good no matter what happens? Really. She looks great messed up, tousled or anything really? There is nothing more lovely than her face in the mornings, having had a good sleep, all warm and red and flushed and kinda diluted capilliaries all over her, you know?
Anyhow, we are now getting into position to watch the weekly episode of Grimm, which we adore. Elizabeth reckons we should always embrace the achetype of Morecombe and Wise, sharing a bed on the show. They loved each other too, but you would never think it?
|Posted by Paul Wady on October 19, 2014 at 5:15 AM||comments (0)|
Over the years since I parted from the political autistic people, and their self advocacy groups, it has become apparent from speaking constantly with other autistics that really, there are no valid politics of autism.
Constantly? Well yes. Working for Nas you get to know and spend time with the calibre of people on the spectrum who can make it that far? To the Nas's daily table as it where. It became apparent just how real the whole thing ever was in the first place?
In the minds of many in the UK, Aspies need support. They need understanding. They need training to behave and relate in NT ways. They need money. Jobs. Relationships on their terms. Surely this all sounds reasonable?
Well, no actually. Because there is this constant, underlying idea that once given the means, people with autism will use them to be okay?
In fact, its just like anyone anywhere in the world, neurodiverse or not? Some people are smarter than others. That's life. Smarter in lots of different ways. Capable and incapable. I cannot juggle. I've tried and had training. Never could. Point is that many of us could never, ever change enough to be who and what we want to be in life? It is how we are made.
Really cruel stuff, eh? No wonder the USA is so obsessed with healing? With curing. With making the square peg round. Assuming you get the metaphor?
I dont knw if anyone ever bothers to read these blogs, but one day I thought they may be 'discovered'. Then you the reader, would find out what actually happened as far as I could see? That the attempts to advocate as well as self advocate, ended up coming to this? That in the real world of local government as well as global, in the private realm of the single individual, on the street and in larger society? I'm afraid it all came down to the single persons capacity to do things.
Understanding is all very well but when someone is intractable and won't modify their behaviour, or in any way consider others....well? Most people with autism reading this will understand my point in theory. But can you and I do it in practice? WHAT DO WE REALLY KNOW AND UNDERSTAND ABOUT WHAT I HAVE WRITTEN SO FAR?
Having spent a lot of time in a buddhist movement, you realise in the end that people are people? That you can have all these wonderful ideas about evolution and change and BECOMING SOMETHING YOU ARE CURRENTLY NOT in order to achieve your goals, ambition and raw survival etc.... But there is a rejection of who and what you are right now? See? Your present reality.
What is the answer? Well, the point of this piece is that the very question and its frame of reference is a bit dubious? If you are on the spectrum in this country, just hope you have money around you that supports you. Hope that it does not run out and that people support you well. There is only so fast that anyone can run? Only so much that someone can do before they are overwhelmed. Parents the world over are being 'overclocked' to deal with their autistic family members. Aspies are deprived of what they feel they need and what they think they do as well?
This is not necessarily a scenario that will change. So evolve your perspective and change your expectations? Become someone who is dedicated to more cold blooded and crude survival. Do not dream of things you cannot have and be. Get real and if that hurts you then it will. Simple as that.
I have often, in my early life, faced such scenarios without knowing why. Now I know, and I see that really there were no alternatives but for me to go through what I did. I guess now I am lucky compared to many, but that's only relative.
Good luck. x
|Posted by Paul Wady on July 12, 2014 at 4:10 AM||comments (0)|
Among many there seems to be an belief that when you eliminate the traits (or symptoms) of autism, you have a neurotypical. The goal of 'curing' does not appear to be upgrading an aspie or making them able to completely relate as a non autistic. It is to eliminate their status as an autistic person?
Who agrees with me that when you have someone who looks, sounds and act like a neurotypical, they nonetheless may still be an aspie. No matter how much they feel like an NT, and have everyone believing there is 'nothing wrong with them', our innate nature may still be there?
High functioners in long term relationships who successfully bring up kids? Aspies relating to each other? Growing social groups of people who are supposed to be uniquely alienated from each other and, well, anyone else including their own families? Aspies whom their own parents cannot relate to, doing that?
Autism is a human nature. its like curing yourself of being normal.
RESPONSES FROM FACEBOOK:
Yeah, having autism just 'is'.
10 July at 21:28 · Unlike · 2
Totally Agree. Its like dying your hair blonde and tell people you are a natural blonde. Not that there is a blonde joke with NTs LOL
10 July at 21:29 · Unlike · 2
Monique Blakemore 'mainstream programmed' children are being taught to not identify with themselves. and it is sad.
10 July at 21:37 · Unlike · 3
You have put that across so well Paul! Couldn't agree more that lots of autistic people have to mask lots and most people then don't get who they are - very sad.
10 July at 22:26 · Unlike · 2
Also agree. But this is what behaviourlists believe. we are nothing more than we appear to be...and so many people agree with that crap
10 July at 22:58 · Unlike · 2
A really exceptional actor can be king Lear one minute on stage, and then 10 minutes later they are just person x, having a drink and takeaway dinner down the road.
It was interesting really, with my illness recently, I certainly felt less myself beca...See More
Yesterday at 01:16 · Unlike · 1
Autism is very very VERY deep within who I am as a person, my stims haven't really changed since ever I can remember, as far back as 4/5 years old. Tbh, I am surprised my diagnoses took as long as it did.
But if people don't know what to look for, then they are likely to not see it, even when it is right in front of them.
|Posted by Paul Wady on July 8, 2014 at 1:35 AM||comments (0)|
Back in 1988 I finally gave up on being an actor. Within a few years, it felt very very good.
In 2013 I went to the Edinburgh fringe to consolidate the working relationship I had created with Elise. We had spent 10 months making comedy films collectively called MonoMania. Great. I decided I only wanted to do 15 days of the festival, because I had become suspicious during our 'rehearsals' (three films you can see on my YouTube channel) and thought it best not to do an entire 3 weeks. Elise indicated she would be fine to carry on alone. Everything would be fine.
Yes. I recall the sunny disposition. The constant cheery 'oh that is all right'. Now you see how I had no idea who and what she was?
Once in the city, I spent the entire festival being told how things between us where. What was going on. Everything was aggressively defined to me daily. There was no mutual between us. There was just what Elise said was the case about our show.
The so-called show was a sham. I reckon now all Elise worried about was her reputation on the internet, and the show was a scam she pulled off to kid people online she was something she clearly was not.
What went wrong? A friend of mine recently commented that the rehearsal films were among the best work we did? If so, any mutual chemistry and fun vanished when we actually performed. Also the show had no reference to anything else I saw at the festival. I had no had anything to do with the medium in that way for a very long time. I was watching 3 comedy shows a day there. The standard appeared to be explosive laughs ever 10 seconds? We were lucky to get that every minute. Elise would not write a script with me. She cleary did not want to work with me.
So my concept of historical comedy, of Edgar Allan Poe being funny, never worked. In fact it was awful. Wtihout the two characters conspiring and interacting onstage, without that spark of fun, it was dire. I was dire. I can admit that.
Elise posted on Facebook afterwards, DEAD FAMOUS WAS A GREAT SHOW.
But ultimately it got stranger. Because Elise was just one of a small collection of people I met who, far more pleasant to live with and meet I might add, seemed to be in the same boat? A club defined by not taking any notice of critics? Of not having any visibly successful career in acting? Of not having been to a major drama school or having any substantial career that has connected them to others? This last bit is significant. Theatre is notoriously social and clicky. People network to survive. You come to be known to others and are selected for things on this basis to a far greater extent than anyone would like to admit.
One thing I was upto in my early years as an undiagnosed autistic, was surviving and having fun pursuing an acting career in the North of England. I was lucky to enter a newsagents, buy something and thank the vendor without looking terrified. Yet somehow I was known as being good at what I did. I got to East 15, although that was partially due to them taking on rather more people than they needed that year. Or was it? Who knows.
I have no pretentions and claims. I'm the man in this video, and that is all I want to be:
I am very proud of this film and push it upon the world now. Instead of some showreel thing, showing acting or comedy ability, I would rather be this man. Very much. Because I spent far more time in my life pursuing Buddhism than theatre and it shows now.
I am not an actor. I could have applied for membership of Equity union last year. I could not bring myself to do it. Meanwhile this year something very odd is going to happen, since Elise has a new show and it is being publicised by her. It is on the Camden Fringe and god knows what she thinks she is doing?
Again as with Dead Famous, this concept of what it is to perform Fringe Theatre emerges. I was drawn into it and thought we could make the format we had in our films work. Was anyone interested? No, I did not think so. I wanted to bring the characters to life, then after Edinburgh start live performances on the basis of the live working relationship we had created? Then you went on to create half hour webisodes in which the characters interacted. Simple.
If you look at what Elise is producing now on her YouTube, you have it all. This is all a very very long way from professional theatre as I understand it. In fact one reason I am writing this blog entry is so that anyone who decides to research my involvement with Elise, finds it.
I tried to tell her? I tried to help? In return she blocked anything I said to her publically and dedefined everything I said. So the people who know her, never got to know what I thought at all? Instead, as is usual with her, you get her opinions on everything. Reality as defined by one person.
It is not a sign of good mental health to spend all day exhausted, tired and wiped out. A performer who shared our venue and is now a friend of mine, commented 'She looks lost?'. I remember Elises' face during our shows. The dead eyes full of mournfulness. The mouth pouting in an 'o' shape, always open as if in shock. Her skin, pale. Not eating properly because as she tells you, she cannot afford it. The woman was 43 in 2013 and I had no idea until afterwards.
Appart from a performance in the Montague Arms this year, I've not done anything at all. We moved home & I've started making films in and for my work. I guess that something real became more important than something made up for...what purpose? What end? Where's the gain in all this? The perpetual trying and pushing and attempting to get somewhere creatively for a living? I only did the MonoMania project to see if it would lead anywhere? To develop my abilities? Well, look what I found out?
I'd love to take some negative responsibility. But how? Elise was in such a state It kind of eclipsed anything I was doing wrong. Besides, what on earth does it take to blow a simple thing like our show? It was no big deal. Just a bit of fun with guests?
Now if you will excuse me, I've got things to do. Currently films for work. That damned book. Re pointing brickwork. Returning ladders and putting together storage boxes. Real things. My wife is lying in and the cat is on my lap. My Dharma practice will always need addressing.
Theatre? I really don't think I am cut out for it. Much better to mow the lawn.
|Posted by Paul Wady on May 25, 2014 at 6:55 PM||comments (0)|
When I was 22 I could actually relate to where Elliot Roger was coming from. The infantile self obsessive ego. The blindness to anyone but himself in a really intimate way. Sexual frustration because I could not relate to women to any real depth of mutuality. (I can now admit). I never slept with anyone until I was 25. I did not have a relationship with another Aspie until I was 30. I do not consider sex with anyone but a bipolar or an Aspie appropriate, and anyway if Elizabeth died I could not do it with anyone else. That's why it would be a good job to die before her.
His insane energy, directed utterly inwards. His pain, accumulating away because he was all alone inside his head. The need to use superiority and superciliousness as COPING. But he'd see it as his being better than normal people.
He says in his film he does not understand why all these girls don't want to have sex with him? Because all he wanted was sex. Could this 22 year old relate to anyone to any depth? Did he see himself in anyone else? How could he get physically close? Besides, he may have been terrified of it but not known it. His lack of self awareness coming from forever living in a neurotypical world, not the one people like me are trying to create now?
Aspies need our own realm. We are a clearly delineated sub set of humanity and its not appropriate to pretend we are and should see our selves as neurotypical.
Who the hell gave him semi automatic pistols? I've handled guns like that and they looked and felt just like the toy ones I had as a child. He still was, and some idiots paid for those things for him.
Did he see prostitutes? Why not? He was special wasn't he? He was pure, divine and aristocracy. He had the family and the money to back the belief up. Coping and coping with being an Aspie. Did he have anyone in his life who was the same thing as him?
Does this help anything? I don't know. Just trying to make sense of it. The really important and terrible question is, did Elliot Roger enjoy murdering strangers? He stabbed three of them. What did he get out of it? Was there anything good for him in all of this or was he simply a child, gone into shock at his own actions and not aware of it?
Who bullied him? When? At what point did he detach from everything? Maybe some brains just aren't built to take the alienation? What is sanity? A relative value? A convention? A construct? Aren't we all?
|Posted by Paul Wady on April 12, 2014 at 5:00 PM||comments (0)|
Neil Coombs is going to start work on Guerilla Aspies in May. He's designed a wonderful cover concept picture from my idea of a Che Guevara image of me on the cover. Gawd 'elp me.
All is good. Thank fully no communication or sense of any sort from the by now, infamous Elise Harris. Her most recent video blog shows a rabbit and a cat interacting in a back lane in Wales, filmed on an Android camera phone. I think that says it all really?
I seem to have become the in-house film maker for the National Autistic Society in their head office.
I've made friends with Miss Roberts, Cos Chapman and the Rude Mechanicals. Nice people.
Wife good, Life good. Need to get back to the gym. Need to put a fence up. Got everything including a sledgehammer, which made me feel like Thor going home on the tube with it. Wonderful how no one comments on a man walking around with such a thing in the evenings in London. I did not get one single "DON'T BE SO INSECURE?" at all?
There will be a Guerilla Aspies Workshop cabaret, when I've thought of something I think works, workshopped it, tested it out, had it criticised and generally produced something that is not improvised in front of Edinburgh audiences with a maniac every night.
I seem to be at a bit of a fork-in-the-road?
Thank you. x
|Posted by Paul Wady on November 18, 2013 at 7:00 AM||comments (0)|
Right now, I feel between events. This year there were a lot of small performances with my friends and of course, the Edinburgh Festival Experience. I want to develop a viable public show. Be it to push the book (which I'm waiting for someone with a book - line to read to see if they want to publish it. Else I will just pay for copies to be printed and push that. Not many but a private run to start it all off. Cause trouble, get sectioned etc?) or perform a show.
Development on The followers of the way of Yaah Yaah, and anything else, has been arrested by our waiting to move home, my heading towards being 50 at nearly Xmas time when we should be moving...and so on. I need collaborators as they help to raise the energy. I'm raring to go but it is very difficult to find people? Especially when you don't operate from templates or work in genre's. It's all innovation with me so you don't know where you are going to end up? I've got some fine pals but I don't want to encumber them when they have their own projects - one of which I'm looking forwards to working on soon.
I will be glad to play Edinburgh again and forever, but that takes booking venues and I do not intend to do that without some sort of coherent and actually proven to work show. Which means I may miss the boat there.
So that's it. There is this sensation of awaiting the ball to start rolling so you feel your energies and actions actually mean something and will go somewhere? I've never been someone who could do stand up, despite everyone telling me I do it all the time. I just dont know how to collate material yet, no matter how many of these folks I've seen. There are courses and maybe I should consider these in order to focus? Why not? Again its the lack of template business.
I have been performing since I was 18 years of age and have been in front of a huge number of audiences between 1982-1888. God knows how many plays in Liverpool alone? Maybe 20? Certainly over 200 actual performances in front of people. I know I have a great deal of stagecraft I can use which is worth people bothering with, I just don't know how to focus it at this point.
You see, the idea of the Dead Famous Edinburgh show.
was that we would conspire to make it work each night. The opposite happened. Instead of having fun, Elise seemed to revert to some sort of monologue template. I AM A STAND UP COMEDIAN. I AM DOING STAND UP COMEDY. There was no flexibility. No imagination at all. The format died and looked pointless. A stream of bum jokes in the end?
It was meant to work because we would both develop the fascination of the audience in these two characters being there in Edinburgh. Instead it just looked awful? It was not stand up either. In fact I seem to have succeeded in innovating because Dead Famous will surely remain, something outside of any ordinary frame of reference. Sadly, not an effective one too.
Okay. So I've got a collection of pictures to publish at A3 size one day when I'm rich.... Music to write, comedy to think I can do??? That bloody book to push and a Bullying Film to complete. It exists but its a private link on YouTube for comments. I need feedback to work from? I've got a nice cheap old Apple laptop with a mind of its own that suddenly dies on me, which I write stories on now. I'm trying to get into the random habit of roving around with the thing, spilling hundreds of words into it. I remain in this utopian existence, happily married with a wife and a moggie, and our obsessive habit of watching HBO shows. The action is all on the telly now, they say?
So If you want to see it, just let me know through the site?
|Posted by Paul Wady on October 20, 2013 at 6:00 PM||comments (0)|
I would like to post the text of the film I'm making right now, with my friend Fred Price.
(Subject to my changes at the time of filming, flashes of inspiration etc).
THE BULLYING FILM THE JOY OF CASUAL SADISM – HOW AND WHY TO HURT PEOPLE.
By Paul Wady
ANYONE CAN GIVE PAIN TO OTHERS. NOT EVERYONE CAN TAKE IT.
What is bullying? – the use of the term appropriated by the autistic community.
• What kinds of people do this? Anyone. Of any age, anywhere in the world. Bulling is a universal experience, and has existed as long as humans have felt the need to assert themselves on others when they did not pragmatically need to. So already bullying is definable as an unnecessary and avoidable action. Although as we shall see, that does not mean it has no merit to the people who bully?
• Fun from domination? The action of dominating, controlling and manipulating people can generate a powerful buzz and euphoria in the bully. Juvenile behaviour is not restricted to school children. People of all ages are capable of appreciating and perpetrating this phenomena, even pensioners. (Perspectives like this are all part of a mature, ‘higher teaching’ perspective on the overall phenomena of bullying. Like many other things in my film, they go to make up the greater, awful whole).
• Power games. Rape as a form of control, power and revenge. It was my best friend Catherine who explained to me that the act of rape was where people sought the most intimate and primal, animal power over another. So men used rape to assert themselves and conquer women for their own pleasures. In the Polytechnic I went to, I reckon I encountered women trying to take this phenomena out on me.
• Personal development. How bullying people can help you develop life skills. In the school I grew up in, there was a visible ethos of personal development through picking fights with people weaker than yourself. Fighting people you knew you could win. This can lead to someone developing a certain confidence. When you have had the actual experience of getting the better of someone else, it gives you a euphoric experience and the social skills experience to do this again. You can then quite clearly be seen by others to be someone who can relate successfully in that way.
You become someone to fear if challenged in certain ways – or to be taken seriously in some social environments. Such was the world of money, business, street selling or any activity where there is always a potential threat or danger from other people. These are clearly not the kinds of social world and scenario that people with autism usually enter or get involved with. Someone like myself however, has always sought out situations beyond my handling and in some cases, survival.
As someone who went to a drama school, or my rather awful experiences of school and the Polytechnic I studied at, I subjected myself to years of varying forms of damaging abuse from people. But I am someone who heals very well and very quickly, and felt I had no choice at the time but to do these things. Besides, what did I do wrong? Why should I not be in these places no matter how hostile they were?
• Social skills for the real world. Why you need the capacity to do this kind of thing to be able to deal with adult life, to an extent that many will not acknowledge. As I have acknowledged above, in order to complete a degree course or finish school, I had to go through considerable and prolonged pain. For many of us, this is intolerable. We simply don’t have the kind of capacity that I personally have to take daily pain. (This is not a boast. I wish I’d never been in these situations believe me). The phrase ‘fight fire with fire’ is often the way people expect you to respond. Bullying as a form of animal communication. Hurting people to see if they hurt you back, in which case you recognise them as ‘okay’ since they ‘know the score’. They can relate your way, in your cruel style. So they are cool, acceptable….normal people?
• Fear generates fear, hurt makes people hurt. How abusers can be motivated by personally being abused. The circle of abuse can be infinite, a baton of deep pain that people are traumatized enough to want to continue by giving it to others. There is of course a feeling and experience that many people know, that this action can actually purge you of the offence and pain that was caused you. So some may bully in order to heal themselves, and some exclusively due to others doing it to them.
Our school bully got in contact over 30 years later. By then he had become a heroic autism parent, raising two NT daughters and one son who was on the spectrum A stepson whose mother had abandoned him as well. He explained to me that when he got him, his father was a Liverpool policeman. He faced a whole different scale and arena of bullying himself.
He was forgivable because he never used psychological violence, only physical. In the face of the bitching and horrendous treatment I received from many others, this for me gives him a redemption. I’ve never found physical violence to be a harmful event in the long term because I’ve never been harmed that badly. But some are. Very much so.
• Peer Pressure. How being part of a group can lead to bullying individuals. Welcome to the world of mindless behaviour – wanting to be a certain kind of person and belong to a specific social group through hurting others IN ORDER THAT YOUR GROUP SEE AND APPRECIATE YOUR ACTIONS. The shared euphoria and amusement of taunting the vulnerable. Group membership and belonging. Power games and the acknowledgement that in the real world – that is all there is to life. Knowing the score, that this is what it is to be ‘real’. It is all there I’m afraid. It has a lot to do with perspective. With how people come together because they can all appreciate certain experiences that some cannot. They all see things the same way. They feel the same way.
• Often people in the world of autism don’t have the maturity or experience to comprehend the experience of abusers. They don’t really know about why people hurt others. They do not see the motives or gains. People with autism cannot understand the often complex, gut-level issues that cause people to attack and hurt others for pleasure. This is one reason why they get abused, and how it generates joy for the hurters. Their ignorance is part of the fun.
• The world of autism contains a lack of acknowledgement of how the real world often works. Parents too can be part of this. People who are often bullied daily by their own children, to the point of it causing them mental health issues. The need to be able to assert yourself to make money? To survive in rough environments such as lower working class societies and environments? To daily negotiate people who are in charge of situations that are aggressive, competitive and demanding (banking work, finance and business, marketing, competitive industries, nursing, you name it that involves a large daily turnover of the general public).
HOW TO HURT PEOPLE.
Ways of doing it.
• Gaining trust and abusing it for fun. •
Asserting greater strength – showing someone there is nothing they can do.
• The innate deep-rooted ecstasy of power. Being stronger than others is beautiful.
• Gaining confidence and power over other people through learning to bully.
• Doing the above as subtly as possible. The art of intimate intimidation and manipulation.
• SADISM. The psycho –sexual experience of deriving pleasure from hurting others.
• Masochism – anti bullying? An unknown experience. Where the bullied enjoy the pain inflicted upon them. Sometimes people can be both sadistic and masochistic, a term known as ‘sadomasochism’ which is also used to derive the overall phenomenon of sexuality involving physically and mentally hurting oneself and others.
• The knowing over the naïve. Where bullying is merely the objective assertion of greater understanding of the neurotypical ‘real’ world?
• Trying to get the victim to relate. Where bullying is in fact an attempt to make someone equal.
OKAY DOKAY. COMMENTS LADIES N' GENTS? REMEMBER IT WILL BE A LOT MORE SENSIBILISED AND ACCESSIBLE IN THE FILM.
|Posted by Paul Wady on August 22, 2013 at 4:50 AM||comments (0)|
WELL.... Here I am on the Thursday, having returned Sunday morning. I think I am somewhat rested by now.
As vistors to my website will have gathered, I ended up on bad terms with Elise Harris. It did not work out. We did not relate, gel, or have a good time in front of the audience. Indeed, some nights were described by people as painful, with a bad atmosphere in the venue. We clashed instead of blended.
We were getting on fine before we went, but despite my asking Elise would not let me script anything. Nor was there a coherent running order. Instead she took the lead and expected me work around what she improvised night after night. Any record on YouTube you may find is entirely material she made up during our time together, with further embellishments. There were no previews.
There was also no imput from others. Next time I play Edinburgh, I will be bringing a proper show. Workshopped, ripped to pieces and commented upon. I will never do anything so self-centered to an audience again.
The reviews were terrible. One was a small paragraph - a perfect description. The bigger one was practically hate crime, and as each day passes I lose more and more ability to argue with it. The term narcissism applied to both of us, makes sense now. A vehicle for a pair of ego's? Hmmm.
Well, I was one of them. Anyhow, back now from what was otherwise a briliant experience. Up all night talking to the fine crew Elise and I shared a flat with. Danny, the mainman and organizer of accommodation and his own venue. Hayden, of the Elders of Zion show, a very talented man whom I dont think I'm in a position to give advice to now! I'm listening to him. The remarkable Clare, with her own show in a yurt in the Three Sisters venue. Two nights in a row she arrived for her late night show to find someone had vomited in there. Dear god...
Clare and I got an idea of the ground we called The Followers of YaYa. A workshop introduction of the YaYa movement. A spiritual discipline and community.... We had a great time fleshing out the characters involved in a cult in denial. I want to continue that one very much.
I have seen several shows a day. learned a great deal I think, on what is needed to have a successful comedy experience. I saw shows that did not work where they could have (great start and premise) and shows that were polished and slick and did the job well. I saw ordinary basic stand up, shows with video projectors and audience participation and themes.
I am still keen on character comedy. if the characters relate to the audience and are actually consistently delivering laughs. I am also keen to do something that is just plain one - man - facing - an - audience. No technology. Next year I will play the Free Fringe again, and do a 3 week run. All being well.
My friend Ria Lina delivered a show called Thpethial, which is apparently due to my telling her she was on the spectrum. I made pals with Jan McArthur, who brought her amazing Echolalia show to the Fringe from Wellington, New Zealand. Dance, clowning and theatre all combined to betray all the behavours I have tried to hide from the world all these years. It was a very intimate expression of our kind, which many may not understand. Sarah Hendrickx (with an x at the end, yes) the autism trainer and author was playing in my venue, as was Kate Fox with her thought provoking show about not having children. Good for you Kate.
A show called Red Bastard was the talk of the Fringe. An American who had to have something interesting happen at least every ten seconds of his act. I think that maxim is worth bearing in mind?
So apart from my particular act, a great time indeed. I also got to join a second show and perform as Poe...
One day on the Royal Mile, jammed with people as usual, I met a group of young Oxford university undergrads who were staging Midnight at the Rue Morgue - the madness of Edgar Allan Poe. It was a promenade show in a nightculb. I asked if I could come as Edgar and see their show. They thought that would be 'awesome'. So I did.
Towards the end of tracking around the different performances of Telltale heart, Usher and Annabel Lee, Alice in the cast pointed a bloody finger at me and said YOU ARE EDGAR ALLAN POE! We got a picture together and I heard her saying it was the most amazing thing that had ever happened to her. Thank you Alice.
Thereafter we all kept in touch online, and they let me in for free anytime I wanted. So I did another four shows with them, two on the same nights as Dead Famous. First night Eddy just lurked and stared. Second one he got quite energetic and moved around a lot, ending up on the side of the small stage pinned down by a small light that had collapsed from behind a curtain whilst hysterically doing The Raven along with the cast. Other nights he got smashed on his laudnum/run mix in his hip flask (bought the day of the show) and became scared, confused, intense and manic. He always ended the evening collapsed upon the floor, gibbering to himself twice and one time in a foetal position. An ordinary night out in Baltimore in those days you know?
Thank you so much to Tara, Alex, Alice, Clare, Raffe and Brian. What a great experience to be part of. It really made my fringe to end with you all instead of my show, which I abandoned on a tuesday night, came back to wednesday then gave up on thursday through to saturday. I left sunday morning.
Phew! What a pace. What a frantic mad thing to do day and night. I will return indeed.
|Posted by Paul Wady on December 14, 2012 at 5:10 PM||comments (0)|
So it was finally, that I more or less ran for it.
Advocacy. Self advocacy. The championing of one's own kind. The brave and noble attempt to make sense of it all, from my own perspective.
It does not work like that with autism. As you will gather from this site, it has been build over a timeline of events. Finally I've been forced to conceed. The saying - WHEN YOU'VE MET ONE PERSON WITH AUTISM, YOU'VE MET ONE PERSON ALONE WITH IT - has a dark depth for me.
I honestly have been forced back into the neurotypical world. Secure, stable people. Relationships that you can trust. People who relate, and with whom you have this sense of continuity. The Aspies tended ultimately to keep their own council over time. There was this disturbing sense that any history you may have with others, was exclusively theirs to consider or disregard. They were quite ruthless in their capacity to drop you, to see you their own ways.
A small number of us have banded and bonded together. That is very good, but a lot more have fallen from me. People seem to form social groups as appropriate to their particular degrees of empathy and executive function. I seem to be someone who is most comfortable with the jobs/relationships/own home and car crew.
Sounds like snobbery I know, but ultimately I don't think its appropriate to define myself by disability no matter to what extent I have it. I seem to have too much together for it to be appropriate to define myself to people as mentally disabled. So no more telling people I have autism. Keep that to yourself.
My take on autism of course, means I will always ultimately tell people the truth. Is this a bad thing? Well, it is socially inappropriate in some cases. London is not the place to go around being open with everyone. I'm living in the wrong city to be fully myself all the time. But it is home, and we are happy here.
We are also most facilitated here. Which is important at this phase of both my wife's life and myself. Things to do and things we can use. I hope to be in the British Library tomorrow for example. Doing some Poe work.
So there you have my Neurodiversity upto this point. A happy christmas period everyone, and keep on smiling. x
CHRISTMAS GREETINGS FROM THE MODEL AIRCRAFT MUSEUM, ON THE STEPS THAT LEAD TO STRANGE, ART-DECO VAULTS OF LOST AND SECRET OBJECTS AND PEOPLE.
|Posted by Paul Wady on August 18, 2012 at 10:05 AM||comments (2)|
WHAT SHOULD AN AUTISM RIGHTS MOVEMENT BE LIKE?
I am going to write, off the top of my head, what I think a self-advocacy organisation for the autistic would be like. No research. Just the most basic and apparent things. Okay, here goes.
• ACCOUNTABLE TO ALL MEMBERS, AND BASICALLY REPRESENTING THE WISHES AND WILL OF THE MEMBERSHIP ALONE.
COMPOSED OF INDIVIDUALS WITH PROFESSIONAL AND EXPERT ABILITIES TO EMPOWER THE MOST DISABLED OF AUTISTIC PEOPLE TO BE ABLE TO REPRESENT THEMSELVES.
• NOT A DICTATORSHIP, AUTOCRATICALLY DOMINATED BY CERTAIN INDIVIDUALS.
• TOTALLY ACCOUNTABLE IN ITS LEADERSHIP AND POLICIES. POSTING MINUTES OF ALL MEETINGS AND ABLE TO EXPLAIN EVERYTHING IT DOES, WITHOUT ANY SECRECY.
• ITS LEADERSHIP WOULD BE DEMOCRATICALLY ELECTED.
• ITS LEADERSHIP WOULD BE TOTALLY TRANSPARENT TO ITS MEMBERSHIP, KEEPING REGULAR BLOGS AND INFORMING THE MEMBERS OF THEIR WEEKLY ACTIVITIES.
• NO SECRECY OR SNEAKING AROUND BEHIND EVERYONES BACKS.
• NOT RUN BY PEOPLE WHO TELL LIES.
• NOT HAVING CO CHAIRS WHO DON’T KNOW THEY ARE IN ANY WAY INVOLVED. (Lying someone is your co chair when they are not. Speaking for them and making statements on their behalf. Lying).
• NOT USING THE ORGANISATIONS FUNDS ANY WAY THE ‘LEADERS’ WANT, REGARDLESS OF THE MEMBERSHIP OR THOSE WHO FUNDED YOU. OR THE TREASURER.
Now, all this would seem pretty simple, eh? Especially the bit about not lying. For what is a properly run organisation except a mere conduit for its people?
Certainly not a scam, set up to empower one man? Good heavens no. You would not have committee members cherry picked to do nothing except be registered to the world as on your committee, in order to make it look like there was some sort of democracy going on?
You would then deal with the issue of representing the autistic. Many people with the condition have a lack of executive function. So you have people joining who cannot think or act in an entirely coherent manner, neurotypically speaking. Surely this means you have vulnerable people doing what the leadership says, trusting that its all for the good as this is a self advocacy organisation for them, because otherwise they would have difficulty in doing anything for their organisation. Let alone being able to influence its thinking and actions for the collective good of their kind?
Therefore, surely autistic members would require appropriate support to be involved. The Autism Rights Movement would naturally see it as their duty to provide this, having the expertise and maturity to do that. How else could they be truly inclusive, and not some executively functioning aristocracy?
Such is the nature of autistic people. It is not like other minorities. It is a mental disability.
What you would need to avoid is where such vulnerable people are without any voice, because they cannot speak for themselves. So they join something that uses them for its own ends, instead of finding out what they want and working with that.
The leadership, those people ‘at the top’ who do most things for the membership, would of course not be autocrats. The committee/chair structure would exist to make sure that individuals did not seize power and dominate things. It is an unfortunate characteristic of autistic people that we have this tendency to autocracy. Lacking perspective of themselves let alone others, autistics tend towards self centeredness.
People cannot see how they are wrong. Having ideas, they cannot help themselves to assert their own beliefs. They cannot help but demand they are listened to, and in some cases, completely obeyed. It is something many of us just cannot help.
I can introduce you to one National Autistic society Trustee, who communicates quite normally by virtually shouting at you. Just as you have managed to say your piece, it is obliterated by his apparently, hysterical yelling. His opinion is all.
He means no malice. He cannot help it. It is just his way. A fine contribution he makes too. This is an example of how an autistic self advocacy organisation is challenged. For to represent all autistic people, you have to be able to relate to what all autistic people want.
Now this, aha, this is the issue. For some of us are in Broadmoor. Some of us are severely antisocial. Some of us go around lying and doing only what we want, regardless of anyone else. Some of us had PhD’s, several grandchildren and an academic career and a nice house! Some of us are long term unemployed alcoholics. Some severely, obviously and comically delusional. Yet all of us are autistic. So surely a self advocacy organisation would be an entity of profound maturity? Its leaders, elected democratically of course, would be people of rare insight and capacity to see both themselves as autistic, and the rest of the world that was not.
For me, it is this rare maturity that characterises what is required in the leadership of an autism self advocacy movement. People who relate to their own lack of relating. People of a rare mental health, insight and perspective. People who are capable of putting aside their own wants and desires, and representing their membership.
In short, people you can trust. Reliable, accountable, by relative standards mature, sane adults who are on the autistic spectrum. Simple as that.
What policies and initiatives would such a group engage in? Why, that which was most relevant to its membership. The Autism Act is a fine example. Naturally the leadership would collate its member’s opinions, survey the given state of services in this country for people with autism and their families, and then synthesize a response based on that.
Such work would naturally be published upon their website blog. As indeed, would the regular opinions and thinking of the organisation. This being so autistics all over the world could engage, debate, and thus mature the organisation. Again, accountability as the way forward. It is my cherished dream, that one day such an organisation will exist.
Sadly, for now, as so many of us know but for one reason or another will not say,
it is still a dream.
P.W. August 2012.
(I have authored a huge and hilarous document about my history of involvement with the attempts at autism rights movements here in the UK. Sadly at the moment I cannot release it or discuss its contents. But believe me, full of emails and references to people who will bear me out, it is all true and provable. Because I have no idea why I'd want to make it all up).
|Posted by Paul Wady on July 9, 2012 at 7:15 PM||comments (0)|
It has been four months. Long time in my life.
I've set up an Edgar Allan Poe site, and the energies have been going into that. We should be producing a show in the next few months.
As for neurodiversity, that is going to appear again at the end of the year. I am reluctant to have anything to do with theatre and performing, despite my returning to it. Yet Poe has crossed the line of the audience and taken me onto the stage as someone else. I want to explore the medium to say all the things I've wanted to for ages.
Hence, Aktion T4.
I am writing and researching a piece to say many things at once. Why bully. What happens to the vulnerable? Why hurt anyone? Why not?
My research so far has shown that the holocaust itself, was initiated by an action that targeted people with my condition. Specifically the mentally disabled. Simple as that. So how? Why? What justifications?
Having grown up in a two-thirds Jewish school, I am a gentile in a position to know something about this. Objective information was available and we were suffciently distanced in history to be objective about it. But still, one way or another, the trauma and horror where still there in peoples families and lives. Somewhere, around, faintly.
I may go back to making the music. I am more interested in collaboration now. Also the Terminal Beach suite of music is being made available for download by a free record label. Very exciting. I discuss my autism in the pdf notes you can get with them.
As ever, if you have any contributions to submit I will be glad to see them. I'm one of these autistics who wants to learn and conceed to others. Not all of us can...
|Posted by Paul Wady on March 2, 2012 at 6:30 PM||comments (0)|
I previously posted that I have completely and totally disassociated myself from the so-called Autistic Rights Movements here in the UK.
I then ceased to contribute to my site. I put energy in my Poe project and returned to my old Buddhist movement, which is a great relief to do despite not having any desire to be ordained into it any more. I have to explain now, that my belief that any kind of autism self-advocacy groups or individuals must have non-autistic people involved with them, is absolute. I will not and cannot believe such groups are safe, or in any way represent their members.
I further believe such groups have potential dangers. Notably the autocratic behaviour of their organizers and founders.
You must remember that autism is a mental disability. Autistic people have certain natures. I have observed certain effects in such groups. Ultimately, key individuals come to dominate them absolutely, and any chances of democracy are lost. Besides, when you have a membership with a lack of executive function in their brains, such people are not likely to do much arguing or stand up for themselves if the people they subscribe to as group organizers do not represent them they way they want.
Assuming of course, they understand what these leaders are doing in the first place?
The sudden and substantial trouble I had with the existing groups was not just unexpected, but ultimately led to lies being told. This was quite a shock. Both my wife and myself, have now made the firm decision to leave this world behind us. We are very much in the Neurotypical, non-autistic realm again now. Relatively a place of stability and coherency. a different frame of refence too.
The entire issue of autism advocacy, of our kind fighting for our rights, has become questionable. Exactly what good such groups can do, in the light of the history of the UK ones, must be considered. I believe that the existing groups are prototypes which will demonstrate the failings and strengths of this kind of endeavour. I believe that the individuals totalitarianly ruling them, do not understand that they are writing the texbook on just how such groups can go.
An aspie friend of ours from Israel has commented that over there, exactly the same dynamics manifest in the 'political aspies'. Same behaviour. Same absolute need for total control, allowing no argument and only wanting things their way.
My involvement with such groups was merely to facilitate them. I had no desire to command or lead. I profess no political acumen. Politics have never been my strongpoint. No, I just wanted to help them, to be secretary and henchman. Seems that even trying to do that can lead to their developing paranoia. Trust me, paranoia.
I am very glad to be disassociated with something that consumed huge amounts of personal energy, whilst giving little back. Due to the nature of our kind, you are not likely to get much membership support or appreciation anyway. Also, the paradoxical nature of trying to build up organizaions where the members do nothing, expect everything to be done for them and often don't understand what they organization is trying to do, is as I said at the beginning, worrying.
Such groups always did have a very small number of proactive members. It was as if they collected an army of permanently 'sleeping partners' and then represented them any way they wanted, without any fear of these people arguing. Is this a fair representation? You tell me.
The Model Aircraft Museum continues to represent my learning curve in the world of autism. It has been over 8 years since I entered it with a surprise diagnosis of the condition. Now, I feel drawn to leave the sub culture all together. I am not the only one of us with a diagnosis who feels this. So a few of us have founded an anti-sub culture, sub culture. Great!
The site will of course remain on. But if you find it has not been enriched very much, or blog entries such as this, then you know why. I have tried to sacrifice my time and even my money to the cause of my kind. But in the end, I find it questionable whether you can relate to autistic people the way that sub cultures such as gay or transgender do. I do not believe it works that way with a mental disability.
|Posted by Paul Wady on February 10, 2012 at 8:45 AM||comments (0)|
The first big Edgar Allan Poe and friends show was a success, with amazing feedback. Frog Morris hosted it in the basement of the Constitution pub in Camden, London. Right on the canal. A fine and friendly place it is too.
I Poefied the basement and Frog made a coffin lid...now that was challenging. Really took me to the edge of my psyche having that in the space. A red shroud over the top of it and some candles, and it was Virginia Poe's sepulchre. (I will tell you all one thing. Judging from the size of it, she was a big girl). Joanne McCormack was truly supernatural as the White Lady, a Singing Ghost who gave us Virginia's poem to Poe.
Ever with thee I wish to roam —
Dearest my life is thine.
Give me a cottage for my home
And a rich old cypress vine,
Removed from the world with its sin and care
And the tattling of many tongues.
Love alone shall guide us when we are there —
Love shall heal my weakened lungs;
And Oh, the tranquil hours we'll spend,
Never wishing that others may see!
Perfect ease we'll enjoy, without thinking to lend
Ourselves to the world and its glee —
Ever peaceful and blissful we'll be
Lovely, is it not? Joe of the Edgar Allan Pogues gave us a song and some music on his guitar, Elise Harris gave us Lennore and Frog himself performed The Raven, together with a co conspirator in the audience, with a raven. Daniel Lehan gave us word art on the theme of Poe. Great. Images on Photobucket are on the Poe page on this site.
So what of tomorrow? Well, lots more to be sure. A properly scripted Poe world experience for a start. I am taking a few weeks away from it to spiritually recharge from the intense melancholy and bereavement of Poe's world, after which we will get cracking again.
I COULD NOT LOVE,
EXCEPT THAT DEATH,
WAS MINGLING HIS WITH BEAUTIES BREATH...
|Posted by Paul Wady on December 7, 2011 at 3:30 PM||comments (0)|
Well, recent events have meant that I have had to completely give up on any involvement in Autism advocacy, or the self - advocacy movement.
I have been advised to retire from any attempts to represent our kind, or help others to do so which was mainly what I have been upto this year, and go back to the world of Neurotypical friends and activities.
I don't want to go into any depth here but suffice to say, I guess it was only a matter of time before I engaged with people on the spectrum whose mental health issues were such, that you would end up in trouble with them. For being me and trying to help, basically.
I have returned to my Dharma practices too, which is a great relief. I look forward to a retreat next year. Phew.
It is a great pity it has come to this, but I have tried my best to make a positive contribution and now it is time to restrict things to the museum and the shows. I have started a performance project anyhow, and have a bigger show than the two so far, in London in January. Edgar Allan Poe...
That will cheer everyone up. Have to be careful as Poe is handling toxic substances psychologically, to produce a positive response through realizing what he was trying to express. Pathos, loss, beauty gone and love dead. At least two Morrissey songs thrown in, to seriously explain everything. No really. That is how it works for me. Morrissey - Poe. One is my cypher for the other.
Take it easy. x
|Posted by Paul Wady on August 30, 2011 at 7:15 AM||comments (0)|
I have come to believe that autistic self-advocacy groups, should not exist without non autistic people being involved with them.
I think that there needs to be one or more, trained, aware or how shall I put it? Orientated Non-autistics keeping an eye on things. This may seem patronising but I have a good reason for this belief.
I am on the edge of having nothing to do with this field at all. Such are recent events, I don't know if it is possible to have a safe, effective group run by and for people with the condition. Such is the nature of a collection of people who get together on the basis of having autism.
I intendt to petition very strongly about this in the future. I believe that such groups have nothing to worry about. if all goes well and makes sense to everyone, what is the problem?
|Posted by Paul Wady on April 20, 2011 at 5:45 PM||comments (0)|
Hayfever and a cold, I think. Or mild flu. Hmm. Weather finally the exact right termperature. All good.
I now have a 10x80 HD camera, and have recorded 4 interviews for my documentary/attempt to make sense/manifesto of autism identity project.
Yes, all these things at once. I spent a week with my friend, the remarkable mastermind of it all, the brains of the operation, in his marvellous home in....Hmm. Give that away another day. But yes, I've done darshan. Sat at the feet of the master. Got some transcribing to do.
A few more find aspies to film, the people who have been at the heart of the London Autistic Rights Movement so far. So many others around the UK to listen to, to find and explore. Having finished the book, I think the 2nd one may well be an exploration of the so-called self-advocacy groups.
Best example and seemingly most effective is the ASAN, the Autistic Self-Advocacy network. My friend asks me, what the heck does self-advocacy mean? is the term a misnomer? A big word for me I reply. So already, terms and exactitudes. What are we high-functioners doing?
So I've been looking to the ASAN lately, and need to do more reading of their stuff.
More writing to come. I've got others reading my stuff to rewrite it now. Hopefully post something in the Autism Manifesto's section. Watch out for the Autism Show on the Excel in June this year. Surprise for everyone in that you know, all being well.
The four songs from the fourth collection, remain undeveloped. There is another I need to put up with its own video. But for now I'm concentrating on the documentary/critique of pure autistic identity.
I saw Wendy Lawson the other week, speaking publically. She remembered me from Autscape 2006. Great to see her.
Interviewed these neurodiverse characters too. Luminaries in the great cause...
Here is a good one of the Wife. Good night. x